A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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