I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
