I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
