Got a toothbrush?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize