he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
