feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
