got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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