Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
