After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
