I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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