I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
