i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
