At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
