Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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