I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize
