my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
