you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
