Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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