An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
