By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
