life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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