I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she looked like the before picture.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
