I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
