Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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