Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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