I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
