dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We talked him into tasing himself.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
