woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
