look no pants
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
