Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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