No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
