the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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