i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
