gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
