I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
