yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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