We need to rekindle our bromance
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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