so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
