I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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