just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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