wrigley field is MILF paradise
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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