My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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