I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
