i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
