You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
