I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
