Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
