Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i love accidental penises.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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