Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
