just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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