Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize