Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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