I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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