If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
