My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
