i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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