guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize