Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
